BURGLAR SNORTS DRIED SPERM THINKING IT WAS COCAINE, CONTRACTS HERPES AND SYPHILIS

A burglar contracted syphilis and two types of herpes after snorting more than 50 grams of dried human semen in the mistaken belief that it was illegal drugs.

29-year old Jerry Smith was arrested on Wednesday for a series of burglaries committed over the last year across Northern Florida.

During his interrogation, he admitted that one of his crimes hadn’t turned out as expected, leading him to develop at least three different STDs.

“Not the brightest bulb in the box”

The young man then fell apart, crying like a baby, and explained he had snorted large quantities of semen he had stolen a few weeks ago, believing it was either cocaine or heroin.

It took deputies a few hours to corroborate his confession and they were finally able to find the corresponding police report.

The victim, 34-year old Jenny White, returned to her Silver Springs Shores apartment last month to discover that several sex toys and accessories as well a collection of pornographic movies were missing.

Ms. White, a hard time Tinder user, also reported a very unique item stolen: a crystal jar containing semen from hundreds of her sexual partners.

“I know it’s weird, but I got every guy I slept with in the last two years to ejaculate in the same jar. There must have been sperm from at least 250 guys in there.”

The young woman says she wondered why the thief took her semen jar and was astonished when the sheriff deputies told her he had snorted it.

“I had no idea what a criminal could be planning to do with a jar full of dried cum. But snorting it, that’s just gross!”

The Marion County Sheriff’s Office described Mr. Smith as “certainly not the brightest bulb in the box” and claimed the deputies certainly did him a favor by arresting him.

Some could say that Jerry Smith has already paid for his crime by developing both oral and genital herpes, as well as an extremely violent strain of the syphilis virus, but he still has to face another kind of punishment.

He now faces a total of 17 criminal charges including burglary, receipt of stolen property, possession of fake identification cards, and drug possession.

If found guilty on all charges, he faces a total of 65 years in prison and a fine of $455,000.

His trial should start in December at Marion County Judicial Center, in Ocala.